Thursday, June 2, 2011

can i be done yet?

Today shall be a day of trying to remember how very blessed I am. 

Yesterday was not that day.

At my weekly visit to the doctor we again asked if they could do the c-section earlier, and they again said no.  But everything is "normal."  I haven't dilated anymore past 1 cm., and the baby still hasn't moved.

My hormones are raging out of control, and I think I broke down in tears about 7 times.  The thing that set me off was my discovery of hemorrhoids.  My rump is painful, but not overwhelmingly so.  It was more the idea.  I already feel fat, can't shave my legs, have hair in places I shouldn't, huge ankles, vienna sausage toes, stomach pain all the time, and my boobs (which I used to rather like) are doing their best to turn into tube socks.  I feel disgusting all the time.  So the addition of the hemorrhoid was just the icing on the cake.  It's just gross, and one thing that I almost got away with not having during this pregnancy... just one thing, is that too much to ask?  Apparently, yes.

I've gotten to the point that I hope Evelyn doesn't flip and stays breech.  I want this c-section.  I don't want her to flip and then I have to wait another week or two or three past the 10th.  I don't know if I can mentally handle it. 

Are the last few weeks like this for every woman?  Or am I particularly weak?  I'm afraid to ask in case the answer is yes, I am too weak.

Anyway, I have now vented.  Thank you for allowing me to do that.  Evelyn, when you read this someday, I hope you don't think that I don't love you beyond measure and that you're worth every single hardship.  I would give my life for you and I haven't even met you yet.

Now it's time to think happy thoughts.  Like how the last 3 times I've had soda, Evelyn has gotten the hiccups (my dad and I both hiccup right after we swallow soda too).  And how the nursery is completely finished.  And especially how we didn't even know if I could have a baby.  And how I get to meet my chubby-cheeked, pouty-lipped, blue-eyed daughter in eight days.

3 comments:

  1. Hemorrhoids are the worst. I occasionally get them around my period (it's the same one, just goes away 90% of the time) because I get constipated. I definitely recommend eating fiber, drinking lots of water, and getting Tucks pads.

    I'm sorry. They're the worst.

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  2. Blech. You are so close! And yes, the last few weeks are like that. Sometimes the last 35 weeks are like that ;) You are going to be an amazing, beautiful mama. Can't wait to see that little sweetheart. Love you!

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  3. I remember the uncomfortableness of that last month! I was also up to pee every 45 minutes during the night- NOT restful, BUT getting you ready for being up even more often with the little one:) I'll pray that you can only see the GOOD things for the next 8 days!

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