Thursday, June 2, 2011

can i be done yet?

Today shall be a day of trying to remember how very blessed I am. 

Yesterday was not that day.

At my weekly visit to the doctor we again asked if they could do the c-section earlier, and they again said no.  But everything is "normal."  I haven't dilated anymore past 1 cm., and the baby still hasn't moved.

My hormones are raging out of control, and I think I broke down in tears about 7 times.  The thing that set me off was my discovery of hemorrhoids.  My rump is painful, but not overwhelmingly so.  It was more the idea.  I already feel fat, can't shave my legs, have hair in places I shouldn't, huge ankles, vienna sausage toes, stomach pain all the time, and my boobs (which I used to rather like) are doing their best to turn into tube socks.  I feel disgusting all the time.  So the addition of the hemorrhoid was just the icing on the cake.  It's just gross, and one thing that I almost got away with not having during this pregnancy... just one thing, is that too much to ask?  Apparently, yes.

I've gotten to the point that I hope Evelyn doesn't flip and stays breech.  I want this c-section.  I don't want her to flip and then I have to wait another week or two or three past the 10th.  I don't know if I can mentally handle it. 

Are the last few weeks like this for every woman?  Or am I particularly weak?  I'm afraid to ask in case the answer is yes, I am too weak.

Anyway, I have now vented.  Thank you for allowing me to do that.  Evelyn, when you read this someday, I hope you don't think that I don't love you beyond measure and that you're worth every single hardship.  I would give my life for you and I haven't even met you yet.

Now it's time to think happy thoughts.  Like how the last 3 times I've had soda, Evelyn has gotten the hiccups (my dad and I both hiccup right after we swallow soda too).  And how the nursery is completely finished.  And especially how we didn't even know if I could have a baby.  And how I get to meet my chubby-cheeked, pouty-lipped, blue-eyed daughter in eight days.


  1. Hemorrhoids are the worst. I occasionally get them around my period (it's the same one, just goes away 90% of the time) because I get constipated. I definitely recommend eating fiber, drinking lots of water, and getting Tucks pads.

    I'm sorry. They're the worst.

  2. Blech. You are so close! And yes, the last few weeks are like that. Sometimes the last 35 weeks are like that ;) You are going to be an amazing, beautiful mama. Can't wait to see that little sweetheart. Love you!

  3. I remember the uncomfortableness of that last month! I was also up to pee every 45 minutes during the night- NOT restful, BUT getting you ready for being up even more often with the little one:) I'll pray that you can only see the GOOD things for the next 8 days!