Monday, December 17, 2012

sometimes bad things happen

Dear Evelyn Mae,

Something bad happened three days ago.  There was a bad man who went into a school in Connecticut and hurt a lot of kids and grown-ups.  I'm not sure why he did it, but he must have been very sad or hurt or angry.  I think he was sick in his heart, or in his head, or both.

It makes Mama feel scared.  I feel scared because things like that aren't supposed to happen to little kids, and schools are supposed to be safe.  I feel scared because your daddy is a teacher and his classroom is the first one you come to when you walk into the school.  I feel scared because someday you will go to school and I won't be there with you.

You know what?  Sometimes it's okay to feel scared.  I think that's fine.  I know that sometimes you feel scared, like when you think you're going to fall.  You're such a cautious and safe girl.  But you know what?  Mama will always be here to take care of you.  I won't let you fall.  Something even better?  God won't let you fall either.  He takes even better care of you than Mama does.  Right now He is taking GREAT care of those little kids and their teachers.

I still feel sad though.  It seems like people have moved past already - how do they do that?  How do they keep going to parties, keep laughing, keep shopping for Christmas presents?  I’ve attempted to distract myself with conversations and mindless internet surfing, but my mind is not easily fooled.  I haven’t really been able to do anything.  My grieving heart has not let me.  I smile and pretend, but I still hurt and cry inside.  I try to distract myself with movies, gifts, cooking, decorating, but I cannot.  And I feel like maybe we should not.  There is a time to mourn, and this is that time.  We’ll weep with those who weep.  We’ll wring our hands and pray for the families of the victims, the survivors who witnessed so much evil, the first responders who have gained so much heartache.  We will heal - I know we will.  But not yet.  I know that I am lucky and blessed to have you next to me this Christmas, for there are Mamas in Connecticut who don't have their little girls or boys.

Someday, something like this will happen again, and you will be old enough to remember, to feel, to hurt.  I pray that it won't, but we live in a broken world with broken people.  You can read this then, not before.  And you will realize that it's okay to mourn, to hurt, to grieve, to FEEL.  To feel scared, to feel angry, to feel helpless, to feel relieved that it wasn't your daughter or husband.  I understand how you feel.  So does God.  And when I let you read this, you will know that there is someone who felt the same as you, and we can weep together.

I love you so much, my sweet girl.  I am so sorry that you are a part of this broken, hurting world.  But there is one thing that I am absolutely positive of, and it is that this world is made better because you are here.  I am so glad that you are here with me.

So much, sweet one.

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